relapsed

it's been 4 days since i wrote my last log. i've been extremely busy with taking care of howl and other things — not so proud.

i quitted vaping 2 weeks ago, but i relapsed last wednesday during howl's surgery. i dropped howl off at 10am, but i could not sit still while waiting — thinking about all the shits that could possibly go wrong. so i pulled my vape and inhaled a big hit, instant fucking regret afterward.

according to ucsf health: "Nicotine has been proven to be as addictive as cocaine and heroin and may even be more addictive. Many people who smoke develop nicotine dependence, which makes quitting all the harder, especially when they try to stop smoking on their own. In fact, 70 percent of smokers report wanting to quit, but many wait until they develop a significant tobacco-related disease such as heart disease, cancer or stroke."

well, it's been 2 days since quitting nicotine. feeling a bit edgy, feeling like i am missing my old friend who was a professional gaslighter. i want to do this for howl.

well, i'm doing this for myself too. it's a lonely battle. but, is the battle worth fighting? we'll see.